Ahh ’tis the season of the sandal. Time for our toes to come out of hibernation! Commence the de-sockification of the sock tan; cue pedicure season!
While I love a good foot-airing just as much as the next person, notice that nowhere in this first paragraph did I mention anything about flip flops.
Flip flops generally have a negative connotation, mostly because they are a negative presence. “He’s a flip-flopper,” for example, refers to someone with political inconsistencies. Flip-flop is also that uncomfortable feeling you get in your stomach while you ride a triple-loop roller coaster at Six Flags five minutes after consuming questionable cheese fries. Flip-flop can also refer to the translocation of a phospholipid in cell membranes carried out by flippase proteins, none of which I understand, but it definitely doesn’t sound good. (thank you, Wikipedia.)
Aside from being analogous to a glaring pimple on the face of fashion, flip flops are also terrible for your feet. In this post (which was largely contributed by my father, the source of all my creative wisdom and talent), I will explore five more reasons why flip flops are not acceptable footwear.
1) Flip flops promulgate laziness. Introducing topless flops: for the sole (bahaha get it?) who can’t be bothered to just slip them on… (or take them off, for that matter.)
2) Flip flops are ugly. Enter: Feet-flops. A distant cousin of the feet shoe, recently featured in “10 Things you Should Never Wear.”
Since the existence of the feet-flop has been brought to my attention, I have considered revising the aforementioned post to “11 Things you Should Never Wear.”
3) Flip flops can be cause for public indecency. The mankini has met its match in shoe form; attractive neither in theory nor in practice, with coverage in all the wrong places.
4) Flip flops lead to alcoholism. This here’s a real winner: because nothing says practicality like “Hey guys! Let’s take shots of the liquid that’s been marinating underneath my feet all day!” Yes. There is a flask built into the sole of these shoes.
A note before you purchase this shoe (from an actual Amazon product review):
“I was somewhat suspect when the description did not disclose the fluid capacity in each sandal, but I went ahead and ordered anyway. I was extremely disappointed to find via my own experimentation that each sandal has a capacity of no more than 1.5 fl oz. Unless you’re packing Everclear or Absinthe, you’re not even going to get buzzed off of these.”
So I guess if you’re looking for footwear that will get you wasted, perhaps these are not the best option…
5) Flip flops confuse native wildlife. Perhaps my personal favorite, these are for the sand adventurer who wants his footprints to look like an owl’s!
… Or a strange looking human’s with very short feet and opposable big toes!!
If nothing else, I hope this post has opened your eyes today. Beware the perils of flip flops, and good luck in all of your summer sandal endeavours.